“Should a man set aside a votive offering in the value fixed for persons to the Lord, the value for the male from twenty years old up to sixty years old shall be fifty shekels…”

Bechukotai Leviticus 26:3

Caitlin had sometimes wondered what Taylor might look like with his shirt off. Now she found out.

“I always knew you were the sweetest guy alive, but anyone who says that you aren’t the sweetest AND the sexiest guy alive is out of their mind.”

Caitlin had promised to put the finishing touches on her friend so that he’d be as delicious as he was capable of being. Even as far back as college, she teased Taylor because he had put so much energy into building his body, but still looked like a bum.  He usually wore plaid lumberjack shirts a size too large and black Dockers that must have been purchased from Macy’s four seasons ago. Today, she was taking personal care to ensure that every touch would be perfect when he stepped onto the stage in his tuxedo.

“Taylor, Taylor, what are you thinking? You look distant. Are you nervous?”

“I’m thinking I can’t believe I let you talk me into this. One minute, it’s ‘Hey! Think of all the hungry children you’re raising money for!’ Then I look at myself in the mirror and I just see a hairy baboon being dressed up for a night on the town.”  Taylor stood up from his stool and began doing a baboon walk around the dressing room.

“I’ll tell you what I’m thinking about. It’s that you fetch the highest bid at the bachelor auction. I know you can deliver. If the body doesn’t get ‘em, that adorable face will.  Now sit in the goddamn chair and let me finish dressing you.”

“Oopsie! Baboon no like ‘G-D’ word!”

“My apologies. Sometimes us mere mortals forget how to speak with you angels.”

“Us angels are trying to be less prideful and more charitable. You failed at getting me to volunteer for two weeks by saying I’d fetch the highest bid. But once you told me that the money was going for needy children, didn’t I sign up in a nanosecond? Let’s just do good work together.”

“I guess I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve got enough pride for the two of us.” Caitlin jiggled Taylor’s shirt into alignment just as Mary Lou, the Mistress of Ceremonies, walked in on them.

“Oh! I am so sorry. I know that this is a dressing room, but I didn’t expect anyone to be using it as an actual dressing room. Holy cow! Is that real? Catilin! Thank you for finding this man! And thank you for volunteering… Taylor? You are going to feed a lot of hungry children tonight.”

“That’s why I volunteered for this, ma’am.”

“Ma’am’? What a throwback! You are a treasure. Good luck out there. And please, call me Mary Lou. In fact, you can call me tomorrow.”

Taylor felt the last button on his shirt close around his neck pinching him just a little. “Katey, this whole tuxedo thing feels so… not-me. If I’m going to sell myself for a date, shouldn’t it be the real me in my real clothes? It’s about the person, not the wrapping, right? Hey, Mary Lou, do you think I’m giving a false impression?”

“Honey, underneath we’re all raw hamburger. Most of us are too fatty. Some of us are lean and stringy. And a few of us are just juicy. You’ll do fine.”

Taylor leaned over and whispered to his Caitlin, “Can I ask her?”

“I already told you the answer, but go ahead. Mary Lou, Taylor wants to be assured…”

“Mary Lou, there’s no sex involved in this bachelor auction, right?”

Fortunately, Mary Lou had put down her Negroni or she’d have delivered a red spit take all over Taylor’s tuxedo.

“Well, I don’t know how to answer that except to say… it’s totally up to you. If the chemistry’s there, we’re not here to play chaperone. But we’re not pimping you out either. Now what’s in the mind of any lady who bids on you… I can’t speak for.”

“I just don’t want to create unreasonable expectations, and if I have to, maybe it’s better…”

Caitlin was beginning to panic. “You can’t quit on us now, Taylor. Besides, think of the children you’re helping to feed. Anyway, she said ‘no’”.

“She said ‘It depends.”

Mary Lou had seen jitters before and one of her super powers was knowing how to deal with this. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Period. Now, go get’ ‘em, tiger.”

Taylor was almost dressed. As Mary Lou exited, the door swung open. He and Caitlin heard the roar of the crowd from the banquet hall. They listened as Mary Lou drove the bidding higher until she finally sealed the deal.

“SIX HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS FOR BACHELOR NUMBER FIVE… LLLLLAWRENCE!”

Within a few seconds, Lawrence stumbled into the dressing room. The pale hair on his extended forehead looked to Caitlin as though it might blow off in a windstorm.

Lawrence couldn’t control his smile. “Do you think I’m worth six hundred and fifty bucks? Honestly, I only thought I was going to fetch about four hundred. I guess I’ve got the right stuff.”

Caitlin sized him up. You’d have to pay her to go out with him, but if the charity made money, that was all that mattered. “Sure, I’d pay six fifty for you.”

“Well then too bad you weren’t out there. You might have bid things up another hundred or so.”

“Six fifty is terrific. Enjoy your date and thank you for helping to feed the children.”

Lawrence went over to shake Taylor’s hand. “Good luck out there. Remember, six fifty so far is the number to beat.”

Lawrence left the two alone as Caitlin stuck her finger down her throat, crossing her eyes as she gagged, and then finished straightening Taylor’s bow tie.

“Caitlin, I hope I won’t let you down if I don’t get six-fifty.”

“Did you see that guy? He was an asshole without the cheeks. Ohh…”

“That doesn’t bother me. It’s only when the name of the Lord is…”

“SEVEN HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS FOR BACHELOR NUMBER SIX… RRRRRANDALL!”

From a distant hall, the two heard a male voice shout “FUCK!!” followed by an explosion of shattering glass. Caitlin looked into Taylor’s eyes and went into a giggle fit, but Taylor seemed unmoved. Then finally, Taylor couldn’t restrain the air bursting from his closed lips and joined Caitlin with howling laughter.

Caitlin forced herself to perform a last second touch up on Taylor’s suit as Mary Lou poked her head in.

“You’re up Taylor!”

Taylor walked out on stage and the fact that he almost bumped into Mary Lou didn’t stop the crowd from reacting exactly in the way that Caitlin had imagined. Women were standing up and applauding. Whistles bounced off the walls and dispersed against the chandelier crystals.

“Calm down, ladies and let me introduce you to Bachelor number lucky 7, Taylor.”

One woman from the center of the ballroom shouted out “SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!”

“We will be happy to do that in just a few moments. First of all, Taylor, tell us a few things about yourself. What are three things that you love?”

“Well, I love my German Shepherd Bessie.”

Caitlin heard that and gave a little fist bump with the air as the crowd moaned “Awwwwwww.”

“And, as you may guess, I love taking care of my body, eating well, and working out.”

The whistles amplified, and Mary Lou wondered if some of the champagne glasses might explode.

“But most of all… I love Jesus Christ, my Lord and savior, and I love spreading his gospel to protect humanity from sin.”

And there was silence. Mary Lou stepped to the edge of the stage.

“You are looking at a passionate, passionate man. Now if you’d like to experience just a taste of that passion, let’s start the bidding…”

“DO YOU FUCK?” shouted the woman who a few moments ago wanted someone to take her money.”

“Ladies, let’s keep it clean and start the bidding…”

Taylor leaned into the mike. “I hope to have three or four children someday once I’m married. That may not be the answer you wanted to hear, but I believe in being honest.”

“Let’s start the bidding at… two hundred.”

Mary Lou paused as she waited for the bidding to begin. Caitlin had her head down on a table, crushed into her folded arms.

“Ladies, c’mon. You know we’re going to reach that point and more in just a few moments. Be the first one… Can I get a hundred?”

They heard a new voice from the crowd, deeper and a bit raspy and coming from the far right.  “I’M PLANNING ON BURNING IN HELL FIRE SOME DAY, AND I’M TAKING HIM WITH ME! TWO HUNDRED!”

It was time for the woman in the center to realize she needed to step up. “HERE’S TO TAYLOR AND ME BURNING IN HELL FIRE TOGETHER! THREE HUNDRED!”

“FOUR HUNDRED! came from a new part of the crowd. “LET’S CUT TO THE CHASE! SIX-FIFTY!” from the initial bidder.

It was time for Mary Lou to goose things up. “We’ve got six hundred fifty for this once in a lifetime treasure, ladies. Do I hear seven hundred? C’mon, put your money where your you-know-what is. Remember, it’s for the children! Or is it really? Six-fifty going once…”

“Excuse me, ma’am, I have a question.”

“Hold the bidding! Bachelor seven has a question!”

“May I bid on myself?”

“You’re going to go out on a date with yourself?”

“No, I’m just thinking that this was a mistake, I’m not feeling comfortable the expectations out there, and I don’t want to let anybody down. I’d like to just bid on myself.  I’ll make a donation, and everything will be good.”

“In my five years doing these things, I have never seen an offer like this, but, hey, it’s all for the children. Knock yourself out.”

The audience exploded. “BOOOOOO!” Mary Lou was regretting she’d allowed this, but she had no choice.

“Thank you, ma’am. Then I bid eight hundred dollars for myself.”

Mary Lou wanted to end this now. It was the top bid of the evening and good enough. Then she took a look at Taylor and imagined herself fondling his pecs.

“You heard him ladies. Eight hundred. Do I hear nine? Nine hundred?

The audience was churning into an earthquake.

“HELL FIRE! HELL FIRE! HELL FIRE! HELL FIRE”

“NINE HUNDRED!!”

“NINE FIFTY!”

“Then I’ll bid an even thousand if I have to if it closes this down,” Taylor offered.

“Ladies, it’s for the children!”

“HELL FIRE! HELL FIRE!”

“ELEVEN HUNDRED!”

Taylor pulled the mike out of the stand and stepped to the front of the stage. “I’ll bid twelve hundred, but that’s as high as I can afford to go. Please. Please don’t bid any more. Just let me contribute twelve hundred dollars and we all go home winners.”

“You heard it, ladies. Normally, I don’t want to discourage higher bids, but nine hundred dollars is a pretty generous offer, basically for nothing.  So, let’s please close this out. I’ve got nine hundred going once, nine hundred going twice…”

“ONE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR THE HUNKY CHRISTIAN IN THE TUXEDO!” came the cry from the woman in the center.

Mary Lou tried to catch Taylor’s attention. She shrugged and mouthed “I tried,” as she could see Taylor’s anxiety.

“HELL FIRE! HELL FIRE!”

“ONE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED!”

“That’s a lot of money for… well, I don’t know what it’s for. One thousand six hundred going once…”

“THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS!”

Who was that? Where was the bid coming from? It seemed to be coming from off the stage. Caitlin stepped out. Taylor felt his heart pounding.

“Three thousand dollars and if anyone dares to outbid me, I’m going to send you to the seventh level of hell on a bullet train.”

“Well, ladies. You heard that bid. That’s three thousand going once, going twice, and… SOLD! TAYYYYYLOR!”

As every woman in the banquet hall rose involuntarily to her feet and began to applaud.

“TAYLOR! TAYLOR! TAYLOR! TAYLOR!”

Mary Lou walked over to the prize, patted him on the chest, and let her hand rest there. “Well, ladies, this has been… pardon my French, a HELL of an auction. Congratulations to Taylor for being the unstoppable bachelor of the night, and congratulations to my dear friend Caitlin for taking home the beef, and helping to feed a lot of children.”

The two of them escaped back into the dressing room, and Taylor searched for the biggest most comfortable chair he could find to toss himself down into. He felt a drop of sweat clinging to the tip of his nose and shook it off.

“Thank you, Katey, but you shouldn’t have done that. Three thousand dollars. That’s an awful lot of money.”

“Don’t be silly, you big goofball. I can afford it, the money goes to my favorite charity, and you’re worth every penny.”

“You saved me from those… those women were a bunch of wild beasts. You and I will go out to dinner sometime. But seriously, if there is anything, anyhow that I can ever do for you, just name it.”

“Well…” Caitlin leaned in. “You could give me a kiss.”

SNL comedy routine set at a bachelor auction

More on the Biblical portion Bechukotai