“And his brothers saw it was he their father loved more than all his brothers, and they hated him”
Vayeshev Genesis 37:1
As far back as I can remember, my two older brothers, Ben and Simon, hated me. They knew I was smarter than them, and I didn’t let them forget it. In high school I’d ask them to help me with my math homework just to trip them up.
“Hey Ben, I’m having trouble with this. Can you figure out the derivative of 5x2 – 15x + 30? Simon, how do you factor 8x2 -18?” And the answer was always some form of “Duh, how should I know?” or a cop-out like “Hey I work eight hours a day, I don’t have time to do your stupid homework.” I knew they were hopeless even though these were ridiculously easy problems if you had half a brain.
But the turning point came when I was accepted into UCLA, making me the first person in my family who would ever be attending college. My dad was so excited, he went crazy spending money I don’t think we really had on UCLA t-shirts and UCLA sweatshirts, and UCLA gym shorts and whatever other blue and gold clothing he could find. I got accepted in March of 1973, which was just in time for him to enthusiastically cheer along as UCLA capped off an undefeated season in the NCAA playoffs – even though he never before followed basketball in his life. My brothers still hadn’t moved out of the house, and they were incensed at the attention that my dad gave to me, so they tried torturing me any way that they could. One time, there were men working digging a trench in my neighborhood. When I was coming home from school, they moved the warning barricades in such a way that I’d naturally go right into the trench. Of course, they knew that I tended to read while I walked, so I was oblivious to the danger until I had fallen right into it – probably a six-foot drop into mud. My UCLA shirt was totally filthy. I was panicked and couldn’t climb out, and then after about ten minutes of dodging rats and trying to claw up the dirt I heard them laughing at the top.
“Hey Eugene, need a hand?” And then for another five minutes or so they’d alternate pretending to extend an arm and then pull it back just before I could get a grip, until they finally saw some other people coming and had to pull me out for real.
Then, when summer came along, they were really angry that I didn’t have a summer job. Ben worked as a mailman, and in those days, he didn’t even have a truck. He’d walk through residential streets with a rolling sack, delivering letters. Eight hours a day of walking and, I guess, dodging angry dogs. Simon worked in a box factory on the shop floor. He once took me there so I could hear the loud groaning machines that he had to put up with. But my dad thought it was okay if I just took it easy for my last summer vacation before college. So, for the first few weeks, I just hung out with my friends, sometimes at the mall, sometimes at the park playing paddleball. It was pretty sweet while it lasted.
“Hey dad,” Ben said to him, “Simon and I work our butts off eight hours a day and Gene just sits around. What does he contribute? You’re always saying we don’t have enough money. He should kick in to the rent and food like the rest of us do.” After pressing this issue every day for another week, both of my parents agreed that it would build character if I worked during the summer. So, we all looked at want-ads together on the weekends. For every possible case I’d come up with some reason why I wasn’t qualified. Eventually they had me apply at a couple of supermarkets and stores in the mall, especially when the ad said “No Experience Necessary.” My strategy to avoid work was to show up at the interview and try to seem even stupider than my brothers. If they gave me an aptitude test – maybe to see if I was good enough at math to work the register – I would carefully calibrate my wrong answers to be just wrong enough to not get the job, without being so bad as to make it look like I was deliberately goofing off.
Eventually, though, it was Ben who put an end to my freedom.
“Hey everyone, I have great news for everyone, especially Gene! You know my dentist, doctor Schneider? He and his wife are going to be moving into a bigger house, and they need someone to help pack boxes. I told him about Gene, and they’re willing to pay minimum wage. I said he was really smart, so he not only gets to pack the boxes, he gets to keep an inventory of everything. Then once the boxes are packed, he can help paint the walls to make the place look good when they try to sell it.”
Then he looked at me with an evil smile and said, “You start tomorrow. Dr. Schneider will tell you everything.”
“Screw you,” I thought to myself.
I had to get to Dr. Schneider’s house at seven in the morning the next day, before he left for his dental office. He seemed nice enough. Low pressure. He was maybe my own height of five-eight, had furry eyebrows that looks like he had black caterpillars glued to his forehead, and was probably about thirty years old.
“Hello, Eugene. I’m very glad that you’ll be able to help us over the next few weeks. This is my wife, Audrey, and you’ll be working with her while I’m out at the office.”
Audrey did not have furry eyebrows. She had what was probably long light brown hair held up on her head with a clip, so I couldn’t figure out how long her hair really was. She wore a loose t-shirt and I’m pretty sure no bra underneath. She was smoking a cigarette, and spoke with a low gravelly voice that had the cigarette smoke nailed into it.
“Hi there, Gene. I hope you’re strong because that’s why Seymour hired you. We’ve got heavy books, and heavy boxes, and furniture that needs to be moved so that we can get this place painted. Are you strong?”
This was a case where normally I could avoid getting the job by telling the truth. I always felt like I was a weakling. But now, I pretty much had the job, so it was better now to lie and claim I could do something I actually couldn’t, at least to not get people upset with me.
“I’m pretty strong.”
“Ok, then. You’re smart AND strong.” Dr. Schneider said. “Just do what Audrey asks you to do, she’ll make you a sandwich for lunch, and you can leave at four o’ clock before I get home. Starting tomorrow you can begin at eight.”
In spite of the fact that Mrs. Schneider first seemed to be just interested in knowing if I could work like a mule, she was pretty nice to me. When I had packed up a box of books and started moving them to the garage, she asked me if I was okay. She even offered to help me lift the boxes, but I turned her down, because I wanted to prove to myself that I could handle it. She told me how to lift with my legs and not my back so I wouldn’t wind up like a crippled old man someday. At lunchtime, she asked me if I wanted salami or bologna, and offered me different kinds of mustard and breads to choose from.
After a couple of days of working for the Schneiders, I saw Audrey kind of watching over me. When she realized I saw her, she started up a conversation.
“You’re such a beautiful boy. You must have to fight off the girls.”
I thought she was crazy. None of the girls seemed interested in me at all. It made me wonder if I was missing something. If anything, I had a couple of crushes in high school, but I had no idea if any of those girls had interest in me, and I was scared beyond belief to ask any of them out. Hmm. Were there any girls secretly fighting amongst themselves over me? I liked the idea, but sure couldn’t imagine that.
“I wish,” I told her.
“Well then you must have a girlfriend,” she went on.
“I wish that too. No, I’ve never even had a girlfriend.”
This seemed to really confuse her. She had been tapping cigarette ashes into her palm, and she dusted her palms off in the sink and put her cigarette down.
“You’ve never had a girlfriend ever? Not even like a puppy love crush?”
I didn’t really care to be reminded of this, but I kind of liked the fact that Audrey was actually surprised by it all, because to me it seemed obvious and inevitable, like it was built into my personality. But I told her that no, I didn’t.
“You’ve never been kissed by a girl? I mean really kissed. And you’ve graduated high school?”
Yes, yes and yes.
“You deserve better than that, Gene. You really deserve a good kiss.”
And this was kind of awkward. I deserved a lot of things. And this wasn’t about to happen. We’ll see what happens at UCLA, I thought. I doubled my effort at packing boxes and meticulously writing down what was in each one.
The next morning when I arrived for work, Dr. Schneider was there.
“Eugene! I just wanted to tell you that Audrey informs me you’re doing a terrific job. So whatever happens, we’ll try to keep finding work for you through the end of the summer before you start school. Eugene, tell me, what do you want to be when you grow up?”
“I want to be a computer programmer,” I told him.
“That’s a thing? What do you study to do that?”
“Well, I’m going to be majoring in computer science.”
Dr. Schneider thought that was funny. “Computers are a science? I’ve heard of biology and chemistry. You can’t just make up a new science. If it’s not too late to change your major, I recommend you change to biology or organic chemistry and become pre-dental. I’ll tell you, being a dentist is the most secure profession in the world. Better than being a doctor. Someday, they’ll find a cure for cancer, but people will always get cavities.”
Gross. “I don’t think I’d be really good at physical things like that. I like working with numbers and logic, and I really liked the computer stuff I did a little in high school,” I assured him.
Now he started to get kind of lecture-y and loud. “The only people who really need computers are the men in the Pentagon. They need better ways to shoot missiles and kill people. Is that what you want to do? Don’t tell me you support the Vietnam war.”
“NO!” Everyone I knew hated the war.
“Then why would you want a career that makes you work at the Pentagon?” he said, and he calmed down a little. “Listen to me. In this world, there are only two jobs: you make things, or you provide a service. I fix people’s teeth. That’s a service. Your brother Simon makes cardboard boxes like the ones we’re using to pack up all of my stuff. But computer programming – it’s nothing. It’s not a service; it’s not a thing. It may be fun, but it’s a dead end. You’re a smart kid; you ought to be a dentist.”
“Thank you. I’ll consider it.” But as he left to go to work, we both knew that I was full of it.
That day as I was packing more boxes Audrey came over to give me more career advice.
“Ignore my husband. You don’t want to be a dentist. And believe me, whoever you marry, she will not want you to be a dentist. It sounds good at first. Sure, it’s stable, you make a nice living. But then when you come home, what do you talk about? Root canals? Novocain? Believe me, I could use some Novocain… for my life. A giant shot of Novocain. I think Seymour is addicted to the stuff. He’s so numb sometimes.”
Then she came closer to me.
“Tell me, who do you take after more, your mother or your father?”
That was easy. I told her I looked a lot more like my father.
“Well, your mother must be a lucky woman, I’ll tell you that.”
I went back to packing up the boxes. We were starting to work in the kitchen. Lots of the dishes had been packed already. Everyone was eating off of paper plates. And then when I went over to pick up one of the boxes of dishes, I started to struggle, and I thought Audrey was going to have a heart attack.
“Careful!” She came over to steady the box, even though I thought I was getting a pretty good grip on it. She stood right behind me, and grabbed the box with her hands behind mine.
“You grab further out; I’ll grab further in.” I extended my arms, which were longer than hers, and she took the inner corners. It was a little uncomfortable, but it did make the box lighter.
“Wouldn’t it be easier if you stood on the other side?” I asked. But she explained that if we were both looking in the same direction, we could both see where we were going. And so, we waddled out together to bring the box of dishes to the garage. Halfway there, I realized that her breasts were planted into my back and oozed a little into my armpits. I’d never in my life had a woman’s breasts so close to me, not including my mom’s. I felt a little guilty, like I had invaded her privacy in some way even though I knew that it was she who had positioned herself on me. Finally, with her guidance, we both kept our backs straight as we lowered the box to the ground.
As we stepped back from the box she asked me, “What did you have for breakfast this morning?” I thought it was a strange question to ask at that moment.
“Waffles” I told her.
“Ah, that’s it. I could smell it on your clothing. You smelled delicious.” Suddenly it seemed obvious, and I could smell the hot oil and sweetness on myself too. Then she offered to make me waffles some time. When it was finally time to leave for the day, she told me “Be careful on your way home. Someone might try pouring syrup on you.” Then when I looked at her a little confused, she added, “That was a joke, Eugene. You’re supposed to laugh.”
The next day at lunch time, Audrey had made me the usual salami sandwich. While I was chomping some down, Audrey jumped up.
“Oh my God! I almost forgot! Something for you!” She handed me an envelope with my name hand written on it. “Seymour wanted me to give this to you.” I opened it up, and inside was a ten-dollar bill! That’s five hours’ worth of work! Wrapped inside the bill was a note:
“Your brother told me that everything you earn goes to support your family. I wanted you to have this to spend on yourself. Don’t tell anyone I gave this to you. Just have fun, and be nice to Audrey. She says you’re fantastic.”
“Congratulations, a little bonus I see,” Audrey said, and she had on a big smile. “I can’t totally take credit, but when Seymour told me that you had to pay back your family, I did drop a little hint.”
Then she added, “but I’ve been thinking about something you said last week that bothered me.” My mind went rushing in that second over everything I could have possibly said to offend her. I couldn’t come up with what she might be thinking about. “You’re eighteen and you said you’d never kissed a girl.” Actually, I said I had never had a girlfriend, but her accusation was also true. This was what was bothering her? “God, when I was your age…” she mused, now caught up in her own memories. “And this was before you could get a prescription for the pill. I can’t imagine what I’d have been like…“ Then she turned her attention back to me. “Do your brothers ever talk about their girlfriends? How to treat a girl?”
Was she kidding? Ben and Seymour would die before they’d tell me the first thing about the girls they were seeing. “They don’t tell me anything,” I told her. “We don’t really get along that well.”
“So, you probably don’t even know HOW to kiss a girl?” Well of course I knew how to kiss a girl, but she obviously saw my confusion over her question. “I mean REALLY kiss.”
I panicked a little. I suspected she was talking about “French kissing”, which seemed pretty advanced to me.
Then she came over to me. “Stand up,” she said, and I put my sandwich down. “Don’t breathe a word of this to anyone. You promise?”
And now I was really confused. Was she going to kiss me? That seemed totally unlikely. She was probably ten years older than me and married and why would she? But the idea excited me anyway. “I promise.”
“You swear to God and on the life of your mother, and your father, and both of your brothers?”
I laughed a little at the idea of a lightning bolt coming down from the sky and striking both of my brothers, but most of all I didn’t think that swearing made a difference. “I swear.”
Then she leaned in and put her lips against mine, and then I could feel her opening her lips. There was this giant hole in the opening of our mouths, and I could start to taste the residue of her cigarette smoke floating into my mouth and into my throat. Was she going to put her tongue in my mouth? Oh God, was she expecting me to do that to her? Now my whole head felt as though it was shot up with Novocain, I was so numb and uncomfortable. Then she pulled her head away.
“Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea,” she said, and then reconsidered, “Or maybe it was just right, a baby step. But remember, you swore. Nobody. Ever. You take it to your grave, understand?” I nodded.
That night we were all eating together at dinner and my mom asked how things went at work. Usually, it’s only my dad who has anything to say. He sells cars for Chrysler, and he’ll have at least one obnoxious customer to talk about, or else some way that his boss is trying to screw him.
“I sold a car to a woman today. What a pain in the ass. Very nice lady, in her forties. But when it came time to get the credit agreement together, I call the bureau, and they have no information for her. So I say, ma’m, just bring in your husband. ‘No!, she says. I’m doing this for myself.’ It went back and forth and finally we got her to go home and bring in a bank statement and the finance guy made an exception. But I could have sold two cars just in the time we were working out her finances.”
Ben and Simon of course had nothing to say because every day is like every other day for them. But I was shifting back in my chair, trying desperately to hold back what happened with me and Audrey Schneider that afternoon.
But later that night, after my parents went to bed, I couldn’t hold it back any more. I had to tell Ben. I told him about how she had been rubbing against me that other time when she helped me move the box of china. And I told him about how she kissed me.
“That horny bitch!”, and he growled it out of his throat in a way that he could make it seem like he was screaming while still being quiet. “I can’t believe she’d do a thing like that to you. To my brother! Listen to me, Gene, I have an appointment on Thursday with Dr. Schneider for a cavity, and I’m going to tell him everything.”
“NO!” I begged. “I swore on mom and dad’s life that I would tell nobody. I shouldn’t have told you but I couldn’t keep it in.”
“So what, you swore? Swearing doesn’t mean anything. She’s ten years older than you, and being weird and someone’s got to stop it.”
“But I swore on your life and Simon’s too!”
“You swore on my life that you would tell nobody, and then you tell me? Why’d you tell me?”
“What’s the difference? You just said swearing doesn’t mean anything.”
“But you didn’t know that till I told you.” And then he paused and seemed deeper in thought than I’d ever seen him. I watched every flicker of his eyes, hoping that he’d realize that not saying anything was the best thing to do. “I’m seeing Dr. Scheider on Thursday and I’m going to do something.”
That was Tuesday night. All Wednesday, we were starting to reach the end of the packing and the labelling, and it was torture. Thursday, I knew Ben would be seeing Dr. Schneider toward the end of the day, and it was even worse. I tried avoiding Audrey at every opportunity. When she offered to make a sandwich for me, I told her I wasn’t hungry. She probably thought I was freaked out about the kiss, and I was, but that wasn’t what was really freaking me out. I was sweating over what was going to happen when Dr. Schneider found out, and what would Audrey think of me.
At home, I even avoided Ben. I didn’t want to ask him what Dr. Schneider’s reaction was, because I knew it was something beyond anything I could deal with. And Ben seemed to avoid me too.
On Friday morning I want to the Schneiders’ house like it was a normal day. Both of them were there, waiting for me. Dr. Schneider spoke first.
“Gene, your brother Ben told me everything…
…All the studying you have to do to prepare for your first semester. I would never have guessed computer science was so demanding. Both Audrey and I are really sorry that you won’t be able to continue working for us for the rest of the summer.”
Then Audrey chimed in. “I’d never have been able to get so much done without your help. And the notes you took, they’re fantastic! When we move, we’ll know exactly where everything goes!”
Dr. Schneider came back in, “Finish out the day. Audrey will give you a check, and here’s another ten dollars just for yourself. I really wish you could have stayed to help us paint, but I guess I’ll just have to take care of it myself on the weekends.”
And that was it. I worked extra hard to finish the last box, and had my last salami sandwich, and at four o’ clock Audrey thanked me as though nothing had ever happened.
That night, while our parents were watching TV, Ben and Simon gave me a look to say that I had better follow them into their bedroom. Simon did the speaking.
“Ben told me everything about what happened with you and Dr. Schneider’s wife. First thing: don’t EVER swear on my life again. Or Ben’s. You got that?”
I nodded.
He went on. “But for cryin’ out loud, you got to go out! You graduated high school! I spoke with my friend John. It turns out he’s got a younger sister your age who’s also a brain. Here’s her number. Call her. You got that?”
“I’m not going to call her.”
“Oh yes you are going to call her tomorrow because she’s seen your picture and she is expecting you to call her, and I will look like a freaking idiot if you don’t. You’ve both got one month before you go to college. Don’t waste time.”
“Where’s she going?” I asked.
“Berkeley.”
“Gimme her number.”
The month that I worked for the Schneiders was probably the longest month in my life. The month after was probably the shortest. I would be starting UCLA in just a few days. Eileen was all packed and would be leaving for Berkeley on Sunday. So, we headed off to Farrell’s on Canoga Boulevard to gorge ourselves on ice cream as a sort of going away party for each other. I had timed it perfectly so that that the twenty dollars that I earned for myself working for the Schneiders would just run out on this final splurge.
And just as we sit down in the booth, who walks into Farrell’s but Dr. and Audrey Schneider. I was facing the door, so they immediately recognize me, and there’s no avoiding them as they come over to our table. Then when Audrey sees Eileen, her eyes open wider than I’d ever seen them.
“Well, hello!”
“Eileen”, she introduces herself, and they shake hands.
“So are you two like, um… a couple?”
Eileen and I both smile a little, embarrassed, and I offer, “You could say that.” And then Eileen and I smile at each other.
“Very nice! Gene, you treat Eileen nice, although I know you will, okay?. Eileen, this boy is a real gem. A diamond in the rough. You treat him nice too, you got that?”
And then Audrey sits down on the bench next to Eileen and whispers in her ear so that I can’t hear her, but I hear anyway.
“Gene has a lot to learn. But I’m sure you’ll be a great teacher.”
May December fiction
More on the biblical portion Vayeshev
