“But to my land and to my birthplace you shall go, and you shall take a wife for my son, for my Isaac.”

Chaye Sarah Genesis 23:1

Jared and Darren had positioned themselves strategically in the school lunchroom, backs to the wall.  Jared was on a mission, and he recruited his friend Darren because Darren was more popular, and so just having him around made this whole thing easier.

“Now take a look at Alexandria,” Jared explained.  “Alexandria is exactly what Ira, or absolutely anyone, would find irresistible.  A waist you just wanna put your arms around; breasts that are meaty but not grossly huge; and that face – it’s like the girl next door, only with a deep dark secret that only the right person will ever learn about.”

“But that’s the problem” Darren warned his friend, “What would make her want to have anything to do with Ira?”

“Two hundred and fifty bucks!  Are you kidding?  It’s just three dates.  The money takes care of the girl.  It’s Ira that’s the problem.”

Jared’s mission was to earn two hundred and fifty dollars from Ira’s father, Mr. Stein, by getting Ira to actually go on three dates with just about anyone.  Jared met Mr. Stein last Friday. He had been leaving school early when this man, looking very casual, approached him in the parking lot.

“You, I’ve seen you in band” Mr. Stein called from a safe distance in the parking lot.   You’re friends with my son Ira? Ira plays the saxophone!”

So, Jared came up to the guy figuring that this was probably weird, but at least he wasn’t going to be whisked away in a stranger’s car.  Jared explained that he played clarinet with the other woodwinds, so he “knew” Ira but wasn’t really friends with him.  Mr. Stein smiled at that answer to say: “good enough.”  He had a really weird request.  His son, Ira, was a senior at Calabasas High, but he had never been on any dates.  Period. 

“Ira’s a good kid” Mr. Stein explained “but he needs a little push. I just want him to have fun, go out to a movie, have dinner, whatever.  Have an experience.  If he could just survive three dates with some nice Jewish girl…”

Oh – I said Ira had to go out with just about anyone.  Make that: just about anyone Jewish.  Because part of the problem with Ira was that next year he was going to Duke University, in North Carolina where, according to Ira’s dad, there were probably fewer Jews than at a quinceañera for a Mexican mafia boss’ daughter.  Stein would pay two hundred and fifty dollars to Jared and the same amount to the girl if she just went on three innocent little dates with Ira – on the condition that Ira NEVER learned about the money.

What Jared said was, “Sure.” What he didn’t say was, “Nobody likes Ira.  Ira likes keeping to himself, he seems to talk about nothing besides homework and jazz, and he loves them both, and nobody else does.”  But for even the promise of two hundred and fifty bucks – what Jared said was: “Sure.”

So now, Jared was here with Darren, scoping out the girls in the lunchroom.

“On the food pyramid,” Jared explained, “Alexandria is like pepperoni pizza with perfectly crispy crust, and just the right amount of tomato sauce, and all she needs is extra cheese.  And that’s Ira.”

“Ira is definitely cheesy,” Darren agreed, “but no way she’d have anything to do with him.  You’re better off with Alice.”

“Alice is the opposite of pepperoni pizza” Jared told him.  “On the food scale she’s… creamed spinach.  Probably good for you, but disgusting.”

Alice was technically a teen, but really just an oversized baby.  She had all of her baby fat, especially in her face, which made her eyes kind of squinty.  She had a smile like a baby’s grin – not actually happy but more just like she was stretching her cheeks in a way that resembled a smile, when she was actually in pain. Or maybe she was permanently constipated.

Darren explained that there was a glaring part of the equation that Jared totally forgot about.  That whoever they recruited would have to be someone who Ira could be convinced to go out with.  And Ira wasn’t being paid.  Alice?  Ick.

Jared worked on his own equation.  Pepperoni pizza was too good for Ira, and Ira was too good for creamed spinach.

“So, what’s halfway between?”

They looked at each other.  They looked around the lunchroom.  When they saw it passing on someone’s tray, they both shouted it out at the same time.

“A bologna sandwich!”

Jared opined: “A bologna sandwich: not delicious, but not disgusting.” 

Darren added more: “Not exactly healthy, but it won’t kill you either.”

The question on the table was: what girl was the human equivalent of a bologna sandwich?  The guys looked around the lunchroom.  Very intensely.  Everyone seemed to either be pizza or spinach.  Finding the perfect balance was actually quite challenging. 

Jared was getting impatient.  He used his nose to gesture in the direction of Stephanie.

“She’s even eating a bologna sandwich.  It’s a sign from God.”

Darren wasn’t going for it.  “But she’s still slightly good looking.  Like the girl next door – but without a secret.  She’s not pepperoni pizza, but maybe she’s cold pizza.  A little soggy, but put her in the toaster oven and… she could be okay.  The point is: she won’t do it.  Not with Ira.”

“We’re just talking three dates for two hundred fifty bucks.  And what’s wrong with Ira?” Jared insisted.

Darren realized that his friend had become so eager to win the bounty that he had talked himself into believing that Ira was a normal kid.

“Well, there is that rumor,” Darren said. He looked for some recognition from Jared but finding none, he felt compelled to state the obvious.  “That rumor that Ira’s dad tried to kill him once and it totally fried his brain.”

No, Jared had never heard the rumor.  “Oh, fucking kill me now.  What did I fucking agree to and why didn’t you warn me?”

Darren could have said “I thought you knew” but instead he pushed on into the present situation.  “Still want to approach Stephanie?  I’m going to give you three strikes, and then I’m done with this. ”

Yep, Jared got up, walked up to Stephanie, and started talking, and walking her back to the lunch table, as Darren tried to read her face.  Whatever was on her face was not good.  First it was an “I just somehow landed on Jupiter, and the Jupiterians want to make me my queen, and I’m not sure that’s a good thing” face.  Then it was an “Oh my god, I just stepped in dogshit, but, no I didn’t step in dogshit I just smell it and have it on my shoe because someone came up to me and smeared it on my shoe when I was just minding my own business” face.  And then it was… oh, it didn’t matter.  She was talking.

“Are you fucking out of your mind?  Do I look that desperate to you?”  And then she put the emphasis on “I’ and “you” to clearly establish the pecking order.  “Do **I** look that desperate to **YOU**? And she raised her arm high into the air and angled it down to point at Jared so that it was clear she was pointing down to him even though he was taller.

Then she ran in the opposite direction and Jared worried that she was running to tell a friend what had just happened, which could possibly ruin the entire challenge.  But Jared actually felt kind of relieved because she was running away to nowhere in particular.

Jared spent the rest of the afternoon thinking about the things that he was no longer going to be able to buy with the two hundred fifty dollars that he was obviously not going to earn.  But leaving school he saw Mr. Stein again, picking up Ira.  Stein gave him a hopeful “thumbs up?” and Jared flashed back a confident “thumbs up!” 

At band practice that morning, Jared realized that he had better start getting to know Ira better.  So as soon as rehearsal was over, he tried bonding by talking shit about the bandleader, Mr. Slocum, who everyone agreed was an asshole.  But Ira kinda respected Slocum because Slocum really understood music.  Jared praised the arrangement they were working on. It was Dua Lipa’s “Levitating.”  Ira thought it sucked.  Ira liked old jazz standards and was pissed off that they weren’t doing anything like “Take The A Train” this semester.

Jared was finally so desperate to make some kind of connection that he asked the question that he knew he really shouldn’t ask. 

“Is it true that your dad once tried to kill you?”

Yeah, Ira wasn’t expecting that one.  But he wasn’t offended.  He was amused.  He was amused that someone finally had the guts to say it to his face.

“Well, that’s the big rumor, isn’t it?” Ira acknowledged.

“Yeah”, Jared admitted.  “But is it true?”

Ira wasn’t sure whether to answer, but finally he decided to just put it out there.

“Yeah, sort of.  I don’t think he wanted to kill me.  But he could have.  When I was ten, he took me skiing and he got real impatient that I was such a chicken.  So he took me up on a lift with him, and we ended up on the top of the mountain by the expert slopes.  And he just said to me: “figure it out” and then skied away and left me there.  And I heard that they won’t let you go down on the ski lift, so I just stayed there, looking down the slope which was incredibly steep.  I was there for hours thinking he’d come to get me, but he never did.  And finally someone from the ski patrol saw I was totally out of place, and he ended up taking me down the slope on one of those sleds they put injured people in.  At the bottom there were some other people from my middle school who saw me and asked me why I was coming down in the sled for injured people, and I told them that my dad tried to kill me.  Which he kind of did.  And that’s how it all got started.

“I don’t talk to him anymore except when I have to.” Ira told him.  “Even my mom left, although that was just part of the reason.”  So why are you talking to me all of a sudden?”

After waiting a little while for Jared to say something, Ira just walked away.

At lunch time, Jared had to tell Darren the bad news.

“This isn’t going to happen.  Either Ira is fucked up or his dad is INCREDIBLY fucked up, and probably both, but there is no way we’re going to be able to make this work. “

That’s when a mostly unfamiliar girl walked up to their table.

“Hey, assholes..” she said casually.

The guys both looked up at the same time.

“Are you the assholes who are trying to get someone to date Ira for two hundred fifty dollars?”

Jared was stunned and had no idea how to answer the question.  So he tried feeling her out.

“What gave you that idea?” Jared asked her.

“You mean like which girl ratted you out?  Stephanie told me, you idiots.  How many other girls turned you down?”

Jared thought to himself: “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.”  He had hoped the whole thing would be forgotten but now it was all going to explode.

“Only Stephanie, I swear” Jared said.

“Well there’s absolutely no chance in hell that you’re going to get anyone to go on three dates with Ira for two hundred fifty dollars.” she said.

“Why not?” Jared asked.

“Because.” She glared at him.  “I want a thousand.”

“MR. STEIN ONLY OFFERED TWO HUNDRED FIFTY FOR THE DATE AND ANOTHER TWO FIFTY TO ME FOR FINDING HER!  EVEN IF I GAVE UP MY SHARE THAT’S ONLY HALF!”

“Shut the fuck up or everyone is going to hear you.” she told him. “What makes you think he’ll do it?  Do you even KNOW Ira?”

“He’s in band with me.  He plays saxophone.  I think soprano sax.”

“Duh.  You’re in band and you don’t know the difference between a soprano and an alto sax?  A soprano is straight.  An alto is bent.  He carries it with him everywhere.

“Ira is a bug” she went on, and she took a piece of gum out of her mouth and squished with her thumb on Jared’s tray. “And Ira’s dad is desperate.  Tell him you need a thousand.  And by the way you should know my name.  It’s Melinda Greenberg.”

“A thousand?  I need twelve fifty if I’m going to make anything on this” Jared whined.

“That’s your problem.  Oh, one more thing.  I want half up front or forget it.”  Melinda said, and then she disappeared out of the lunchroom.

Darren tried to brighten things up.  “Well, you got to admit.  She is pepperoni pizza.  With the extra cheese already included.  And probably hot peppers.”

“YOU shut the fuck up.” Jared told him.  But he knew it was true.  Melinda was whatever food you wanted her to be.

Jared felt like he was in some sort of spy movie, trying to meet with Ira’s dad again.  If he waited until after school, Ira might see them together.  So he stumbled around the parking lot in the morning, waiting to see Ira dropped off.  Once Ira was safely inside the building, Jared waved at Mr. Stein until he came over.

“I found someone who will go out with him, but there’s a problem.”  Jared couldn’t bring himself to say it.

“How big a problem?” Stein asked.

OK, Jared thought.  He wants an amount.  “A thousand-dollar problem.”

“I knew I shouldn’t have come to you” Stein said, and started walking into his car.  But Jared told him to wait with such a crazy desperation that Stein had to turn around.

“That’s her…” and Jared pointed to Melinda, who was stationed right under the tree Jared asked her to stand under.  She was framed perfectly.  Stein inspected her from a distance and Melinda looked him right in the eyes.  That’s when the bell rang.  “I gotta go to class” Jared pleaded.  Mr. Stein kept waiting, staring, and then Melinda turned around and ran off into the building.  The bell rang again.  “Yes or no?”

“Is she Jewish?” Stein asked.  Jared was feeling great now.

“Melinda.  Greenberg.”

“A thousand dollars.  Three dates or nothing.” Stein told him.

“She wants five hundred dollars up front.” Jared squeezed in quickly.

Stein was getting impatient.  “See me tomorrow morning.  You’re both a bunch of operators.”  Stein put his back to Jared and walked back to his car.  That’s when Jared realized that he forgot to ask for the additional two hundred fifty for himself.  So not only did he shut himself out of the commission, he got called an “operator” when really he was just a flunky go-between who’d probably never get paid.

By Monday of the next week, everything was set.  Melinda had been paid and she was in.  Jared was probably never going to be paid, but at this point, he wasn’t going to get out.  But it could all go down a deep dark hole if they couldn’t get Ira to buy into it.  And as Melinda had said with laser accuracy, Ira was a bug.  He’d never asked a girl out.  He probably didn’t have the nerve to.  This whole thing was looking more horrible the more Jared thought about it. 

The only place Jared could reliably get Ira’s attention was at band practice.  The last conversation they had – the only one, really – was about the time Ira’s dad tried to kill him.  And now, Jared was basically Mr. Stein’s hired hit man. 

Jared tried to talk himself into this.  “I’m not a killer.  I’m setting him up on a date.  That’s a good thing for Ira.”  Then he thought about it some more.  “I’m setting him up on a date with a mercenary maneater who thinks he’s a bug, and who will probably damage him even more than being left alone on a mountain.”

At the end of band practice that day, Jared forced himself to run over to Ira again.  “I’ve got something incredible to tell you at lunch time.  Can you meet me at ten after twelve in the back of the lunchroom, by the clock?”

“What do you want from me?” Ira asked.

“I don’t want anything from you.  Nothing.  This is something FOR you.  Like free pepperoni pizza with extra cheese.  And all you have to do is say yes.”

“I hate pizza” Ira said flatly.

“It’s not literally pizza.  Will you just be there?”

Ira said he would, but Jared was starting to really get angry at Ira because he couldn’t even compare something to pizza without having it thrown back in his face.  Ira would probably hate Melinda, but fuck him, Jared wasn’t making any money on this anyway anymore.

At twelve o’ clock, everything was set up.  Jared and Darren were in their usual table by the clock in the back. Melinda and Stephanie were two tables away; close enough to be easily seen, far enough to not be in the conversation.  At ten after, Ira wasn’t there.  Jared looked all over and finally spotted him on the lunch line, waiting to pay.  Finally, Ira came over and joined the guys.  He had a piece of chicken and a side of god damned creamed spinach.  This was hopeless.

“So what have you got for me?” Ira asked.

“See the girl two tables down?” Jared gently gestured.

“I see two girls.  The pretty one or the one that’s so-so?” Ira asked.

“The HOT one” Jared assured him.  “She’s into you.  Seriously.  She told me straight out, she wants you to ask her out.”  Jared tried to force out the whole story that Melinda fed him.  “I was in English with her last year, and she saw us talking when we were walking out of band practice, so she thought you and I were friends.”  Oh god, what a lie.  Would Ira buy it?  Would he act on this tip?

“So what am I supposed to say to her?”

“That’s the beauty of it.  It doesn’t matter.  It’s a done deal.  Say anything.  She WANTS you to come over.” Jared explained.  And then, Ira could clearly see that Jared was hesitating.

Darren jumped in.  “Use the line.”  Jared knew what he was talking about because Melinda had set up the whole script.  She really wanted to torture the guys.  Ira stood there shrugging, waiting.

Finally Jared said it.  “Tell her that you think her ass is totally lickable.”

“I guarantee it’ll work.” Darren assured him.

Insanely, Ira actually turned around and started walking over to the table with the girls.  Jared prayed he wouldn’t actually say that line.

And Ira went up to the table, and Jared heard him say:

“I think your ass is totally lickable.”

Only he said it to Stephanie.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”  Jared jumped and ran over to the table.  “Not her!”

Stephanie gave Ira a cold stare and then walked out of the lunchroom.

Jared pulled Ira back and interceded.  “Ira, I’d like you to meet Mehlinnnnnnnda.”

“Oh, hi… Ira” Melinda said with absolute innocence.  “I wasn’t paying attention.  What did you just say?”

Jared wanted to leave nothing more to chance.  “Ira was telling me how cute he thought you were, and I was giving him the courage to ask you out.”

“Your friend looks pretty fearless to me” Melinda insisted.  “I don’t think he’d need your help to give him the courage to say ANYTHING.”

“Wanna get together for a movie this Friday?” Ira asked her.

“Why I’d LOVE to!” Melinda said, oozing with such sincerity that everyone felt relieved.  Even Jared forgot about Stephanie for a second.

Friday night, Melinda knew she had to give “proof of purchase” to Ira’s dad.  So she arranged to borrow her own dad’s car and conspicuously pick Ira up at home.  Melinda was perfect.  The nice Jewish girl you’d take home to meet your mom.  Or your dad. Even if your dad was a homicidal psychopath.

And then, safely away from the front door of his home, Ira got into the car and closed the door. 

Melinda gave Ira a big, warm kiss.  Then she took a wad of bills out of her purse and waved them in front of Ira’s face.  “I’m treating sweetie!  Five hundred now, and five hundred to come!  We rolled your old man!  It was beautiful!”

 Ira leaned over, but Melinda pushed him away.  “Not here.  Let’s pull out of sight.  We’ve got an hour and a half to get downtown for the jazz festival.”

“You know I hate having my dad in my business.” Ira told her.  “I hate having anyone in my business.  Well, we kept it quiet all year, but for a thousand dollars, they can all go to hell.  And besides, it was so worth it to see Jared scream when I went up to Stephanie instead of you.”

As they drove away, Melinda told him “If it’s worth a thousand dollars for us to go on three dates, how much do you think he’d have paid if he knew we were fucking?”